unapologetically you

I just watched a TED Talk (if you're not in tune, get there, they will change your life) entitled "A call to men" by Tony Porter in which he discussed the "man box" and what it means to be a "man," how it leads to objectification of and violence against women, and how we need to deconstruct and redefine this idea of "manhood." It prompted me to think of the larger, very much incorrect idea that one must adhere to preconceived social constructs, which in my opinion demonstrates weakness and insecurity. Personally, I'm in a place where I'm very comfortable with who I am and am far past the stage in my life in which I feel obligated to mold myself into someone that will appeal to my peers. In short, I am learning to love myself first and am happy with the person that I am becoming, on my own. I think that people who are 100%, unapologetically them are so beautiful, and I strive to do the same every day. I appreciate people who don't need to think the popular thought or share the popular opinion, who know that there is value in their own thoughts and beliefs. 

"I Know Girls" by Daesha Smith

I know girls searching for love under the belt buckles of guys who just called them beautiful
Or cute, and go mute when the pursuit of the same type of guy yields the same result
Scrubbing the scent of cologne out of their pores
Those are girls with legs open like they're hoping to be diapered, held, and called baby
In that order, on the border of being a stereotype and a statistic
Because it's 2013 and they say monogamy isn't realistic
They're quick to blame their dads, he never showed affection
So they have to get it where it can be gotten
I know girls who don't even know they're one empty condom rapper away from being forgotten
I mean those curves are great baby but they'll never stop making hourglasses
Because we as human beings need time to remind us
Whether our glory days are in front or behind us

I know girls searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle
Whose only message is "drink responsibly"
There's no ship in there, just a fiery sea that sloshes in their bellies
Burning the wounds of demons desperate to escape their Alcatraz
Those are girls who claim there's only boredom in being sober, gripe about their hangover
And swear they'll never drink again, that's of course until the aspirin kicks in
Then they're back to distraction, my curiosity kicks in and I wonder what's worse
Those who do it so they don't think, or the ones that do it so they don't feel

I know girls with an alabaster box for a smile
Their deepest secret tucked safely behind their twelve year old molars
They got ambition under the tongues along with the memory of their first kiss
They got white picket fence dreams to make up for what they miss
They got cracks in the family portrait that you'll never see
Because they won't let you close enough
The secret service ain't got a damn thing on the guards these girls have up
Bricks made of fear of disappointment, cemented together with empty promises
The saying goes, "If you build it, they will come"
But they're not looking for someone to care enough to tear it down
Just for someone to care enough to guard with them

I know girls who are equal parts notice me and please don't look at me
Drawer full of sweatpants and hair ties, counter full of products to cover face and eyes
A magazine cover for motherly advice and a lustful eye for male validation
Those are girls with diet pills and workout dvds discarded for snack cakes and milkshakes
Eaten in private to discourage judgment
They spend their lives cycling and spinning through media motivated insanity
I don't know if calling them beautiful boosts their self esteem or encourages their vanity
So I say nothing

I know girls with fake smiles, I know girls who cry themselves to sleep
I know girls with the soul of a poet, I know girls who think they're lions but are actually sheep
I know size sixteen girls with more confidence than girls with a double zero
I know girls with scars from cutting, I know girls afraid to get married
I know girls who feel like they're nothing, I know girls who are faithful
I know girls who play games, and if you ever even start to think that we're all the same
Then you obviously don't know girls

eight forty-five pm

I fear growing old without someone to love. Reaching the end and realizing that I am alone—another birthday passes and I have no one to share my year with; a walk in the park or a meal at a restaurant with myself for company; days that fade into nights that fade into days, and all along I am in the presence of absence. Expired romance, haunting memories, and the lingering nostalgic scent of past lovers and forever moments.

Quote of the Day

En art comme en amour, l'instinct suffit.

On Loving Yourself First

This cycle of being okay, then being the complete opposite is wearing on me; I know that I won't be able to handle it for much longer and something will have to change. How can you tell someone how much you mean to them and plead that you don't want to lose them, then put it all on the line for convenience and instant gratification? They swear by you, then watch you walk away. It breaks my heart to have the realization that it's time to let go slowly dawn on me; even more realizing that you probably won't even try to stop it. I'm not ready. But when you've tried compromise and conversation and everything else and their selfishness only allows enough room for their happiness, then that's your cue that you must be the one to nurture your own.

Quote of the Day

"When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did." -Looking For Alaska 

one twenty-two am

Four hundred twenty-three moons ago she fell in love with the crinkle in the corner of an eye and a subtle smirk. It became real when she looked into his eyes and they invited her in without a single exchange of words. They hungered for the understanding in her gaze. Within, he was fragile. Without, he was masked. Hairline fractures threatened a shattered soul and when those eyes lured her closer, she knew that her purpose must have been to help bring truth to that crinkle and substance to that smirk. Four hundred twenty-three moons ago, under the soft glow of ten million galaxies and three hundred billion stars, two halves became a whole.

Round Two

I really hate that I keep abandoning this blog, but every so often I get so caught up with life that I put things that I enjoy like blogging, reading and writing on the back burner. I'm preparing to enter my second semester of college and over this break, I've decided that these things are too important to me to continue playing to the left. Slowly but surely, I've begun reading and writing more and it's felt great. Now, this semester will be somewhat of a mental final exam because I have a lot on the line, so although I probably won't spend as much time with my reading, writing and blogging as I'd like, I'm going to make an honest effort to devote a portion of it to these things.

I've started by leaving the name that this blog has carried for the past couple years, Whispers in the Wind, behind for something that is more representative of me considering the growth I've experienced. I want a fresh start, but I want to bring some of my previous posts with me. Some, I'll let go of. Of Stars and Souls danced right into my lap. Knowing me means knowing how much the universe and everything that has to do with it fascinates me, how perfectly content I would be sitting under the stars all night long. Honestly, over time I've come to think of it as part of me. And this blog is the place where I will share a part of me that isn't as easily accessible to the world as the rest of me is, that I keep hidden away for two am and those frequent, sometimes unconscious retreats into the back of my mind. Letting people into my head, get close to my soul, scares me, it always has. But I've realized that I do have some thoughts, feelings and opinions worth sharing, so this is my attempt to bridge the gap...a little bit, at least.

Here we go, round two. I'm back. Hopefully, for good.